Are You Too Harsh Or Too Soft As A Manager?

Managers often fall into the trap of being too harsh or too permissive. Both these behaviours come from an imbalance in their management style. The key to effective management is understanding paradoxes and finding a balance between opposing behaviours.

Many clients complain that managers let performance slip by not following up on goals and objectives. I’ve also worked with organisations where there is a strong culture of ‘compassion’ and ‘caring’ for service users. This often leads managers to value kindness and avoid addressing underperformance, as doing so feels harsh and uncaring. This creates a conflict of values, especially when managers believe that their only option is to use the disciplinary process. In many cases, they are right to hesitate—discipline should only come after several informal conversations about underperformance. However, many managers are reluctant to give even an informal reprimand. As a result, they become permissive, and this leads to lower standards, unmet targets, and ineffective management, which can affect the entire organisation.

On the other hand, I’ve encountered cultures where there is no tolerance for mistakes, and any underperformance is dealt with harshly. These businesses often suffer from a blame culture, with high turnover because employees feel that their managers don’t understand or value them. Harshness without empathy makes people feel treated unfairly. Neuroscientists have shown that even a perceived lack of fairness can trigger feelings of disgust in the brain, which quickly damages relationships and reduces overall performance.

The Paradoxes Of Good Management

One of the paradoxes of good management is balancing the tendency to enforce and the tendency to show warmth and empathy. Enforcing means making sure rules and standards are followed, even when people don’t like it and might get defensive. Warmth and empathy is about being open-hearted and understanding others’ feelings.

These two traits might seem like oil and vinegar – they don’t mix easily – but as any good cook knows, if you get them in the right balance, they create a great flavour. Add a little emulsifier, like egg yolk, and you get smooth French Dressing.

I’ve recently started using an interesting assessment tool developed by Dr. Dan Harrison. His expertise in Mathematics, Personality Theory, Counselling, and Organisational Psychology has allowed him to make a unique contribution to assessment methods.

The Paradox of a Coaching Mindset

One of the reports shows a number of paradoxes. The Paradox of a Coaching Mindset is shown in the graph to the right. It explains that if you are high on Enforcing and low on Warmth and Empathy, your behaviour will be Harsh, highlighted in red. If you are low on Enforcing and high on Warmth and Empathy, you can become Permissive, highlighted in blue. The ideal balance is Compassionate Enforcing, which reminds me of the proverb: “Only a person with a kind heart can administer discipline that is beneficial to others.”

However, any imbalance can cause a ‘Flip’ when a manager is under stress. For example, a Permissive Manager might suddenly become Harsh, saying, “I’ve given you lots of chances, and now you’ll see what happens when you take advantage of me…”. On the other hand, a Harsh Manager might avoid the final difficult conversation, causing people to think their “Bark is worse than their bite”. This makes them used to the harshness and leads to continued underperformance because there are no real consequences.

Gain Respect

Recent psychological studies show that people highly respect Compassionate Enforcing because they see it as fair and just. This approach avoids triggering defensive reactions in the brain. Once defensiveness is triggered, people stop thinking rationally and start taking things personally, which makes it much harder to manage.

It’s also worth noting that when both Enforcing and Warmth and Empathy are low, it leads to Cool Permissiveness. This management style is ineffective because it causes people to lose respect for their manager and treat them with pity or disgust.

Making A Shift

During a recent management development course, I showed a graph to a group of caring managers. It helped them realise that they needed to maintain their levels of Warmth and Empathy while also increasing their Enforcing skills. They recognised that being too Permissive wasn’t benefiting the organisation, its users, or the staff.

The key idea behind these Paradoxes is understanding the balance between opposing traits. It’s not about doing less of what you naturally prefer, but about recognising any imbalances and learning how to improve them. This can be done through self-awareness, being open to feedback, and a willingness to improve.

If you are interested in exploring where you and your managers stand on this Paradox and the eleven other Paradoxes in the assessment please contact us at info@talent4performance.co.uk

Check out the 150-second Food for Thought video episode on the Paradox of Driving Performance LinkedIn: 

How well are you balancing compassion and accountability?

Remember . . . stay curious!

David Klaasen

©David Klaasen – May 2016