In a recent interview with McKinsey, Emily Kasriel shared insights from her new book Deep Listening and it reminded me of the Paradox of Insightful Curiosity. She sparked some fascinating connections for me with how we think about leadership conversations and engagement.
What struck me most was how much she emphasised the importance of self-awareness. Her framework for listening deeply aligns powerfully with what I see in effective leadership every day, and neuroscience helps explain why it works. For example, neuroscience shows us that self-awareness activates the prefrontal cortex and anterior cingulate cortex, areas of the brain that regulate impulses and monitor attention, both essential for listening with discipline.
We often think much faster than others speak. Research indicates that while people typically speak at around 140–180 words per minute, our brains can process or generate about 400 words per minute. That gap creates temptation: the urge to interrupt, finish someone’s sentences, or wander into our own internal monologue. As Emily emphasises, Deep Listening requires the discipline to resist that constant pull. What’s happening is that our default mode network likes to wander, while the executive control network helps us stay present. Resisting the urge to interrupt engages inhibitory control in the prefrontal cortex, literally overriding automatic responses from deeper brain systems.
Drawing on Dr Dan Harrison’s Behavioural Paradox of Insightful Curiosity, what Emily says aligns with balancing two seemingly opposing traits. Being Certain: clear, confident, decisive. And being Open & Reflective: curious, receptive, exploratory. This paradox shows that when leaders embody both, they don’t flip-flop; they find a synergy that enables truth-exploring. This means valuing ‘what’s right’ over ‘who’s right’.
In order to be genuinely truth-exploring you need to cultivate a reflective practice. Whether it’s meditation, journaling, or walking in nature (without the noise of a podcast), these moments train us to observe our own thoughts, notice how quickly they arise, and then set them aside. That discipline of awareness and attention is the same skill we need in conversation: to quieten and let go of our inner chatter so we can be fully present for another person. Neuroscience confirms this: mindfulness and reflective practices strengthen neural pathways in the prefrontal cortex and insula. In addition, they reduce amygdala reactivity. In short, they help us stay calmer, more focused, and better able to connect.
Deep Listening isn’t just about silence and restraint. It’s also about authentic curiosity. Not curiosity to confirm our assumptions, but to understand:
This kind of inquiry doesn’t challenge or confront; it opens up new possibilities. It signals respect, builds trust, and allows the other person to show up more authentically. At a brain level, genuine curiosity engages empathy circuits such as the anterior insula and anterior cingulate, while also activating the mirror neuron system. These networks help us sense the emotions behind words and be alert to inconsistencies or incongruence. For example, when someone says they are “Fine” but their tone, facial expression and body language tell a different story.
When people feel truly heard, oxytocin, the neurochemical of trust, is released. This deepens the connection.
In the McKinsey interview, Kasriel points out four common barriers. These require vigilance because they can easily become default patterns:
“I need to win.” We look for chinks in their armour, primed to prove ourselves right.
“I am in charge.” Our authority pushes us to lead, explain and direct, quashing listening in favour of control.
“I must solve and sort.” In our eagerness to help, we rush to offer solutions, depriving others of their space to think and find their own answers.
“I don’t have the time.” Framed by schedules and urgency, we clip conversations short, missing the deeper underlying currents.
Overcoming these traps only requires subtle shifts: noticing when you’re forming a response, stepping back, and saying, “Tell me more, what’s underneath those words?”, or “What’s behind those thoughts?”. Neuroscience suggests these traps are often driven by limbic system reactivity, especially the amygdala, which primes us for threat or control. By engaging the prefrontal cortex, we can override these impulses and reorient toward openness. That kind of attention creates psychological safety, letting the other person open up rather than clutching onto their words.
Kasriel calls this approach listening with the third ear. This term was coined by psychoanalyst Theodor Reik, who was a pupil of Sigmund Freud. The third ear senses what is important and unspoken but is dwelling in the speaker’s unconscious.
To me, this is leadership at its best: balancing certainty with openness, resisting the inner speed of thought, and entering conversations with deep curiosity about the other person’s meaning-making. Therefore, conversations shift from transactional to transformational. Neuroscience also shows that when leaders create this kind of safe, open listening environment, it engages the ventral vagal system in others, calming their physiology and allowing them to think and speak more freely.
As you reflect on what you have just read, consider the following:
At Talent4Performance, we help leaders and teams develop the discipline of presence, balancing confidence with curiosity, to build trust and transform conversations.
If this resonates with you, let’s have a conversation about how Deep Listening and the Paradox of Insightful Curiosity can unlock performance in your organisation.
Remember, when it comes to deep listening and insightful curiosity. . . stay curious!
At Talent4Performance, we specialise in translating behavioural science into business results. The Clarity Matrix is central to our work with mid-sized UK organisations seeking to improve the performance of their people and their business.
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With best regards,
David and Alli
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