Negative Feedback And Criticism: How To Handle And Respond

Why do we often notice defensiveness in others but not in ourselves? I hear a lot of managers complain about people not taking responsibility for issues or things that have gone wrong. However, very few reflect on feedback or criticism, for example, what they failed to do that contributed to the other person’s failure. On the other hand, there are also many people at all levels of management who are overly self-critical. They have a high level of negative inner dialogue that undermines their power and ability to influence others. In this article, we explore the paradox of how to handle and respond to negative feedback and criticism.

Listening to Negative Feedback and Admitting Mistakes

Several years ago, I worked with a Managing Director and his Sales Manager, whom he wanted to promote to Operations Manager. Let’s call him Peter. The MD had high hopes for Peter due to his potential, but there was a problem: Peter was very defensive. For example, he refused to accept that his actions contributed to the lack of sales the previous month. It was everyone else’s fault; people were lazy, not following procedures and not asking the right questions on sales calls.

 The MD wanted to help Peter and provide support, but he became frustrated when Peter refused to accept that his lack of management, coaching, and motivation was causing the downturn in sales. Peter felt that he was doing fine, it was not him that needed to improve – it was the team.

As I observed their conflict, I noticed the MD’s frustration grow. Peter refused to admit he was wrong and had neglected to manage his team effectively. He was not willing to accept that he was at fault in any way. They had reached an impasse, and both were becoming increasingly agitated.

 In the end I just suggested to Peter that he take a deep breath and declare that he screwed up. He was surprised by the suggestion, and I saw him considering various implications. Though I can’t know his thoughts, he reluctantly admitted he could have done more. The immediate change in the MD was remarkable. His frustration disappeared, his energy calmed right down as he went straight into coaching and supportive mode. 

Peter was surprised; he expected a reprimand, not acknowledgement of the challenges of being a manager and an offer of support.

Rejecting Negative Feedback and Criticism

Defensiveness is a perfectly natural survival mechanism based on our below-conscious perceptions of a significant threat. It’s remarkable to consider that we now navigate a volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous (VUCA) world with a brain designed for simple survival: fight or flight. When we become defensive, our basic instincts drive our emotions, causing us to react irrationally out of fear of change. It’s as if our survival depends on things staying the same: ‘I’m OK as I am; I don’t need to improve,’ even when situations are very uncomfortable!

Our delicately balanced sense of safety can easily feel threatened. Can you identify when you are being defensive? Do you sometimes feel unreasonably attacked or criticised? Once this occurs, a cocktail of neurochemicals fills us, making us pessimistic and causing us to fixate on small details, often blowing them out of proportion. We also lose the ability to see the bigger picture and make creative connections in our brains.

Studies by neuroscientists reveal that electrical activity in the brain creates accidental connections. We often believe these connections are true and seek evidence to support them, even without logic. That’s when the excuses begin to flow.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Adopting a ‘Growth Mindset’ makes it easier to accept feedback and assess our development as managers, leaders, spouses, parents, and more. We can stay open and calm, listen to feedback, and adjust our behaviour because we want to improve and grow beyond who we were yesterday. However, this requires a high level of Self-Esteem.

Self Actualisation is a Paradox

It is interesting to recognise that high Self Actualisation and developing healthy self-esteem is a paradox. On one hand we need self-acceptance and on the other we need the desire for self-improvement. Having one stronger than the other can create an imbalance that leads to being overly defensive or self-critical.

The Paradox Graph for the context of ‘Self Actualisation’ appears to the right.

When we have healthy self-esteem we value ourselves without becoming arrogant. We strive to improve a little every day without beating ourselves up if we get something wrong. We strive to learn from our mistakes, knowing that self-improvement is key to a happy, fulfilling life and rewarding relationships. By accepting our imperfections and acknowledging our strengths, we can avoid unhelpful self-criticism. This balanced approach helps us deeply understand ourselves and increases our ability to understand and value others.

When self-acceptance is high and the desire for self-improvement is low, we become defensive and lose balance. Conversely, if self-acceptance is low and the desire for improvement is high, we risk becoming self-critical. When both are low, we often feel conflicted, doubting ourselves and uncertain about what to pursue. This can be a rather difficult place where we lack the required feedback and guidance required to grow.

When we experience an imbalance, we can have a ‘flip’ when we become over-stressed. If we tend to be very self-critical, we may become defensive under pressure, feeling it’s unfair when others criticise us, especially when we already recognise our shortcomings. Conversely, if we have a tendency to be defensive by nature, we can become highly self-critical under pressure due to weakened resilience.

Notably, an aggressive flip to defensiveness is more visible and can create significant disharmony in a team, while a passive flip to self-criticism often goes unnoticed but is destructive to personal well-being. Both of these imbalances can seriously undermine performance, so it is important to monitor and address them carefully.

Increasing Balance

I like this model because it helps us identify what’s missing when we, or our colleagues, are out of balance. It’s not about taking anything away. It’s about identifying what we need to do more to achieve ‘Balanced Versatility’ in these two paradoxical traits.

To cultivate a growth mindset and develop healthy self-esteem, it helps to reflect on the truths in proverbs like:

“Although I have many good qualities, my life and relationships need continuous improvement.”

“True character develops through self-enquiry, leading to a deeper understanding of one’s weaknesses and faults, as well as the revelation of one’s greatness.”

“A person with self-dignity listens carefully to critics and adjusts to let their true brilliance shine even brighter.”

It is also useful to develop resilience by learning how to handle negative feedback with courage and grace.

The Choice Is Always Yours

The way you handle and respond to feedback is always a choice. What you do with it is ultimately up to you. You can choose to learn and grow from it, or you can use it to criticise and undermine yourself. However, ignoring or denying it can be perilous. You may be losing clients or staff because they feel it’s not worth giving you feedback. You may also be losing out on promotion if you are too defensive or too self-critical. Sadly Peter was too arrogant for his own good. He didn’t respond to coaching and refused to believe his team’s underperformance was his fault. When he requested a promotion and a pay rise, the MD declined. Peter then threatened to leave, and because the MD wouldn’t invest in someone who wouldn’t invest in himself, he let Peter go to seek opportunities elsewhere.

You may want to consider how well you know your managers or your people. Would you like the opportunity to discuss some of these issues with them in an open and non-threatening manner?

You can measure where you and your team stand on this Paradox and the eleven others in a special report now available through Talent4Performance. Additionally, you can discover your team’s natural strengths, explore how to utilise them effectively, and identify what they need to be fully engaged and motivated. To find out more just contact us at info@talent4performance.co.uk.

Check out the short 150-second video about this paradox on LinkedIn: 
How do you respond to feedback?

Remember, when it comes to developing healthy self-esteem . . . stay curious!

David Klaasen

©David Klaasen – April 2016 – 2024